Friday, August 1, 2014

Letting Go

This mortal journey we all walk isn't an easy one. Things happen that are out of our control we get sick we lose loved ones plans fall though and life still continues on. As we push forward with  and through difficulties we become stronger and better for it.

On May 19 I woke up as i usually do looking forward to a day filled with talking and spending time with those i love but something just felt wrong as the day went on my side began to hurt worse and worse until any movement had me in tears. and as i climbed into bed i prayed that things would get better instead by the next day i was in more pain than i thought was humanly possible. My whole right side seemed to radiate pain at the slightest of touch and movement, making it even impossible to kneel to pray or to sit or stand. Nothings seemed to be going the way I had planned, as my companion and other missionaries took care of me my thoughts went to those i was serving and my inability to fulfill my calling at that time. It is hard not being able to do what you want at the exact moment you thought you would be able to. To be unable to be there for those who needed you and instead relying on them to take care of you.

Still there was hope that things would get better as i "toughed it out" i loved those i was serving with and more importantly those i was being allowed by Heavenly Father to serve. But Heavenly Father has plans that far exceed our own. and when the time came to decide if i would stay in the Beautiful state of Oregon and see if things got better or return home and have the opportunity to focus solely on my health Tears streamed down my face.

"How do you leave what you love behind?" Yes i had done it before when i get on a plan and left my home and family to enter the mission field but this felt different, it felt incomplete. Like leaving a project right in the middle of it. My heart broke as i received my answer that i was to return home. no matter how much pain i was in it didn't seem as bad as leaving. But as Joshua chapter 1:9 reads :

"Be strong and of good courage be not afraid neither be thou dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee wither so ever thou goest"

Even in the midst of difficulty he never truly leaves us. Coming home didn't solve the pain or the way some reacted to my early return. It was hard to look some in the eye and explain that Heavenly Fathers plan far exceeded that of my own and that he needed me home at this moment to get better. As doctors and surgeons worked on solutions i discovered an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father to be able to with stand some of the negative thoughts of others as well as the disappointment in their eyes  to stay strong in my faith that he is real.

Now almost 2 months later after coming home they finally found a solution and yesterday i went in so they could remove my gall bladder. Though there are still weeks until full recovery i will be pain  free and be able to return to my mission when the doctors say. And as usual trials teach us plenty of things. This one taught me more empathy for others, gave me greater understanding and patience. More love for my family and loved ones who stood beside me no matter what others said about my early released. It taught me that those who do come home early from their missions are fallowing Gods will and not just doing it because they want to. Any time served is acceptable to the Lord. and when things get though he really does carry us through it. Even when we ourselves don't see the light at the end of the tunnel he does and he prepared away to get us too in and onto the next path.


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